The hardest realization for me over the past few years is that God’s answer is not always a resounding “Yes!” I had never had a real, down-on-my-knees begging prayer request before. That’s even a little hard for me to believe, but it’s true. In almost 40 years I had never needed something so badly that I felt the urge to beg God for it. Maybe I felt a little like I deserved a miracle. I had saved up all my “asks” and was ready to cash them in. Surely that counted for something, right?
I believed so deeply that we would never lose Layla to cancer that was slowly taking over her body. I would tell people “I won’t believe it until one of us takes our last breath”
Well, on November 11, 2017, she took hers and I was still breathing (barely). How?
I learned many lessons over our 13-month journey, but the greatest was that I had a choice – I either run TOWARDS God or away from Him. I’m not going to pat myself on the back for choosing the former because in many ways I had nothing to do with it. I was surrounded by people constantly lifting me up which allowed me to hear the gentle whispers from my Father. The whispers that brought me comfort in the darkest moments of life. The whispers that tell me there is still good to be seen and His work to be done.
Welcome to my world. It’s held together by a deep sense of peace and faith that at times feels only the size of a mustard seed. I’m a recovering control freak and I hope my story can help others find the sense of relief that comes with realizing you don’t have to have it all figured out.
Read more about how this all started here: Living Through Grief
This is what our family looks like now (well…as of the end of 2018). Layla is always present, always twirling, always in our hearts.