Hi, my name is Sara. I’m a wife, mom, author, speaker and philanthropist. I’m also a recovering control freak. Truly, I suffered from an addiction to controlling everything in my life – my work, my home, my kids, my spouse, my physical appearance. Not to give the wrong impression, I wasn’t “Mommy Dearest” level crazy control freak, but everything in our lives was planned.
There were calendars and schedules and Plans A-Z and hell-hath-no-fury like me on anyone that messed with that. I could make myself physically ill trying to control all the things I really had no control over. On the outside, I appeared normal, but on the inside, I raged. That was before cancer.
You see, once cancer came into my life and ripped it open I had no choice but to concede my lowly status. No schedule or plan or items marked off a to-do list were going to cure the cancer that had taken over my daughter’s brain. I had to come to a new understanding of life. The only true understanding – God is in control. Not me.
Before cancer, Satan had my number. He knew the strings to pull to knock me for a loop and then he’d sit back and enjoy the show as I danced around trying to put all the pieces back in perfect order again. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but there came a point where the curtain was pulled back, and just like in The Wizard of Oz, I saw what was happening. All of the turmoil and chaos was purposeful – not some random acts of the universe.
I will tell you, once that veil is lifted, things certainly start to look different. For me, I could actually pause and take a breath before I launched into full disaster recovery mode. And then came the point where I could just let the mess be. No intense desire to fix or correct; just be ok with whatever change happened. Who was this person I had become?
What I find funny is that although I’ve changed, Satan hasn’t. Maybe he’s an old dog that can’t learn new tricks, but he still throws the same old junk at me. It’s a little insulting if I’m being completely honest. He’s like that family member who can’t admit you’ve changed since high school and still only talks about the dumb things you did as a kid. What, you don’t have one of those?
Take today, for instance. My very first book is going live on Amazon tomorrow, so I took a deep breath this morning knowing that all the crap that could go wrong will. Sure enough, by 10:30 a.m. there are issues with my book showing as available in the U.S. market and my one-year-old had a fever at school. Can I do anything about either one of those? Nope and nope. Thanks for playing Satan, but not today. So instead, I have a sidekick working from home and my publisher will let me know if anything changes with the book.
So that’s me. I don’t have it all figured out, but my eyes are open to the man behind the curtain. And, if you’ll stick with me on The Wizard of Oz reference, I had the power inside me all along. I’m certainly not doing any of this on my own. I thought I was (maybe you can relate?). Turns out, life can feel a lot less out of control when you give up control to the right person. God is always working for things to be good and right even when it’s not by my definition.
What about you? Have you figured out how the enemy pulls your strings? Do you see it coming or is it still a struggle to bounce back? I’d love to hear from you!