Hi, Have we met yet?

Hi, my name is Sara. I’m a mom, author, speaker and philanthropist. I’m also a recovering control freak. Truly, I suffered from an addiction to controlling everything in my life – my work, my home, my kids, my physical appearance. Not to give the wrong impression, I wasn’t “Mommy Dearest” level crazy control freak, but everything in our lives was planned.

There were calendars and schedules and Plans A-Z and hell-hath-no-fury like me on anyone that messed with that. I could make myself physically ill trying to control all the things I really had no control over. On the outside, I appeared normal, but on the inside, I raged. That was before cancer.

You see, once cancer came into my life and ripped it open I had no choice but to concede to forces greater than me. No schedule or plan or items marked off a to-do list were going to cure the cancer that had taken over my daughter’s brain. I had to come to a new understanding of life. The only true understanding is this – I am not in control.

Before cancer, I had it all figured out. Life looked a certain way and I would do whatever it took to put all the pieces back in perfect order again if one detail got out of line. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but there came a point where the curtain was pulled back, and just like in The Wizard of Oz, I saw what was happening. All the turmoil and chaos were purposeful – not some random acts of the universe.

I will tell you, once that veil was lifted, things certainly started to look different. I could pause and take a breath before I launched into full disaster recovery mode. And then came the point where I could just let the mess be. No intense desire to fix or correct; just be ok with whatever change happened. Who was this person I had become?

So that’s me. I don’t have it all figured out, but my eyes are open to how life can feel a lot less out of control when you give up the need to control everything. God [or the Universe, if that’s more aligned with your belief] is always working for things to be good and right even when it’s not by my definition.

What about you? Have you figured out how to lean into the chaos or are you still holding on for dear life? I’d love to hear from you!